May 10, 2026 @ 5:17 PM | by Tyrese Johnson

Life for Jersey City residents has improved beyond slim margins following the appearance of a fifty-six gallon drum of human waste. Although the object's origins are inexplicable, various individuals have described it as "pleasant" and "harmless fun".

"I gotta say, getting laid off was a big blow to an already god-awful year," said Thomas Varucci, 36. "And real estate around here fuckin' sucks. But after that giant drum suddenly appeared, none of that seemed to matter as much. I've been delighted by all fifty-six gallons. It's definitely a great ornament and asset to the neighborhood."